Author: Detective Dudley

Miss Milly was sat in the office reading her magazine, the door opened and in came J.D.Lula ‘Good morning Miss Milly, see you are hard at work’ Miss Milly ignored the remark and carried on reading, shortly after the phone rang ‘Yes this is her talking’ said Miss Milly who continued ‘Oh my! That’s wonderful! Thank you very much!’ at this she put the phone down.

‘Well… that’s me for the day! You can look after the office Lula…’ said Miss Milly

‘Why?! Where are you going?’ asked Lula

‘I have just won a competition; I am getting a free day at a luxury five star Spa including lunch’ answered Miss Milly

‘Oh I thought it would be something interesting like say…  a seminar on Alien abduction’ said Lula

‘No it is much better than that……………goodbye!!!’ said Miss Milly and in a flash she was gone.

At the spa Miss Milly was met by the Manager ‘Congratulations on winning the competition Miss Milly! We will now take you down to the spa for your pampering session, then you can come to the restaurant to finish with your free lunch. We hope you enjoy your stay!’ at this she was lead down to the spa.

Several hours later Miss Milly returned from the spa looking and feeling wonderful ‘Please Miss Milly, follow me’ said the waiter ‘I will take you to your table.´ Miss Milly followed the waiter and was sat by a window overlooking the grounds ‘Todays special is fresh Salmon’ said the waiter.

‘That sounds delightful’ answered Miss Milly ‘and may I have some water please’ she asked

‘Certainly’ said the waiter ‘fizzy or flat?’

‘Flat please all those bubbles get up my nose!’ Miss Milly replied.

Miss Milly sat looking out the window when she saw some movement in the bushes, she followed the movement and there it was, a fox was tip toeing between bushes, it then ran quickly and hid behind a tree, at this the waiter arrived with the water Miss Milly thanked him and continued to look out the window but did not see the fox again.

The waiter returned to Miss Milly’s table ‘Would madam like the soup of the day?’

‘What is it?’ enquired Miss Milly

‘Marrowbone’ answered the waiter

‘Sounds delightful’ answered Miss Milly

The soup was brought and Miss Milly sipped on it whilst looking out the window and suddenly there was the fox this time with a large Salmon in its mouth, it tiptoed between the bushes again and then was gone.

The waiter came back to the table ‘Miss Milly I am sorry to inform you but the Salmon’

Miss Milly interrupted ‘is off the menu’

The waiter somewhat surprised said ‘yes… but how did you know?’  

‘I watched it disappear over there’ she pointed to where the bushes were, at this she took her napkin and wiped the soup from her face ‘Excuse me, I shall go and return it’ at this Miss Milly bounded over to the shrubs, she sniffed the shrubs and then the ground ‘Mmm definitely Fox such a distinctive smell as J.D.Lula would say: eau de fox’

Miss Milly followed the scent soon she was down by the river, the scent disappeared there, she thought to herself ‘oh no the fox has crossed the river shall I follow? But it will ruin my hair; still a crime has been committed so I must solve it!’ At this she entered the river and swimming against the current reached the other side, she shook herself to get the excess water of ‘gosh that has woke me up’ she thought, quickly she picked up the scent and followed it, she came across a row of brambles,  she look around but could not see a way around so she climbed right in and forced herself through, she emerged with twigs and leafs covering her previously immaculate hair.

Miss Milly continued to follow the scent when she came across a dip in the land, she got to the top and looked down, there was the Fox with the salmon, ‘you have my lunch there’ said Miss Milly.

The fox looked up somewhat shocked ‘how did you find me?’ the fox asked

‘I am Miss Milly of the Dudley Dog Detective Agency; it is my job to find things’ said Miss Milly ‘I watched you as you slyly sneaked up and stole the salmon, now give it back’

‘it’s not just for me’ the fox said as it whistled and then five young fox cubs came running to her ‘mummy you have brought some food, well done’

Miss Milly said ‘well I suppose your needs are greater than ours so I will let you keep the fish and feed your family’

‘Thank you’ said the fox ‘times are hard for us now, we are persecuted everywhere’

Miss Milly answered ‘well enjoy the meal……….just one thing, can I ask you a question?’

‘Yes’ replied the fox

‘Why when you get in a hen house do you kill all the hens but only take one to eat?’

The fox thought for a moment and said ‘let me tell you a story……..one day there was really stormy weather and lots of rain. A frog and a scorpion were stuck on a little island in the middle of a river and the water was getting higher and higher, soon they would both be swept away, so the scorpion says to the frog ‘let me jump on your back and you swim to the other side and save us both. Anyway the frog says ´but you will sting me!´, the scorpion says ´no I won’t… that would be silly!´ So the frog says ´ok jump on my back´, this the scorpion does and they get into the water with the frog swimming franticly, half way across the frog feels a sting, he looks back and sees that the scorpion has stung him, ´why did you do that?´ the frog asked, the scorpion replied ´it’s in my nature…’   

Miss Milly smiled and left. Once she got back to the spa, the manager met her ‘Oh Miss Milly… look at you look!!!!´ She was covered in mud with twigs sticking out of her hair ‘I take it you did not find the salmon?’

Miss Milly just shook her head and smiled… the manager said to her ‘at least you tried!’

Miss Milly answered ‘it’s in my nature’

The manager told Miss Milly to go back to the spa where they would clean her up and give her the treatments again.

The end

As the time approached nine, Chica up the tree opened her backpack and took out some binoculars; she scanned the road outside from left to right and the back to the left when a car came into view and parked up, she zoomed the binoculars in and could make out two characters in the car, one got out he was a scruffy looking dog of no fixed breed he spoke to the other dog in the car ‘yous stays ere and I will get the dosh’

Chica spoke on the walkie talkie ‘Chica here, a car has pulled up outside, two occupants, one has got out, a very suspicious looking dog he is heading this way, it may be the kidnappers’

Inspector Bruce spoke into the walkie talkie ‘any sign of Porsche?’

‘Negative’ replied Chica

The scruffy dog walked into the park and made his way to where Lula was sat, he stood in front of Lula and said ‘show me the dosh’

Lula replied ‘the what?’

Scruffy said ‘the dosh, the spondolies, the bread, the Wonga, the loot, the moola ave yer got it’   

Lula answered ‘if you mean the money then yes, it is in this bag’ she showed him the bag ‘now where is Porsche?’

‘Ou’ said scruffy dog

‘The cat you stole! Where is she, no cat no money!’ cried Lula

‘Yous gets the cat after I gets the dosh and not before, so pass it over’ scruffy dog scowled.

Junior Detective Lula as previously instructed passed the bag over to scruffy dog who opened the yip and checked the money ‘rights I will go and get the pesky cat, you stays ere’ said scruffy dog, he picked up the bag and started to make his way to the car outside, as he passed the tree Chica climbed down and was joined by Detective Dudley, they both followed him out to the car, Dudley whispered into the walkie talkie to tell Inspector Bruce what was happening.

Once outside the park, the dog in the car wound down the window and shouted to scruffy dog ‘did you gets the dosh?’ Scruffy dog replied ‘yip, I will get her out of the boot and we will get away’ the dog in the car shouted back ‘no let’s go we will dump her out of town later, get in the car’

‘Not so fast my ugly dog friend’ retorted Chica

Scruffy dog turned to face Chica ‘flaming Eck another cat……..get away or I will af yous for dinner’

Chica opened her backpack and brought out a boogie box, she pressed the play button and the air was filled with a very peculiar beat as she skipped from one foot to another and pirouetted around whilst holding her front paws in a “ginga” pose.

Scruffy dog shouted ‘wots this?! we gonna dance?’

Chica replied ‘no my ugly canine friend this is Capoeira! It is an Afro-Brazilian martial art that combines elements of dance, acrobatics, and music and you will have the full effect if you do not give me the money and release Porsche’.

‘Not on your nelly’ screamed scruffy dog.

Chica still dancing around scruffy dog asked ‘what is this nelly? I do not think I have such a thing’ at this she crouched down and sprung into the air whilst shouting at Detective Dudley ‘get the driver!’ Chica landed on top of scruffy dog who was now spinning around with Chica on his head, Detective Dudley ran to the car and leaned through the window and within seconds had the keys out of the ignition and had paw cuffed the dog to the steering wheel.

Scruffy dog was now on the floor and Chica paw cuffed him, she then walked over to Detective Dudley and took the car keys and made her way to the boot and opened it, out jumped Porsche a little shocked but unhurt, by now J.D Lula, Inspector Bruce and WPC Janet had joined them.

‘Well done’ said WPC Janet as she placed the two criminals into the police car.

‘Good team work’ said Inspector Bruce ‘we will get these two down to the pound, can you please see that Porsche gets home’

Porsche was returned to a very relieved Lady Francesca who thanked all of the team  

Angelina said ‘yer we could of saved her eh Bill’

Bill ‘of yeah but we are not guard dogs, well I’m not’

Angelina ‘nor me but if we were we would have saved her!’

Lady Francesca as she cuddled Porsche said ‘I will talk to you two later now go away’

Back at the office they told Miss Milly of the night’s adventure she turned to J.D Lula and said ‘well dogs and cats working together what next?’

J.D Lula ignoring Miss Milly said to know one in particular ‘where did I leave that book on alien abduction’

The End

Detective Dudley was in the office with Chica the Cat Detective from Brazil, they were going through the old case notes, Detective Dudley was pointing out the relevant points to Chica when the phone rang.

‘Detective Dudley agency can I help you?’  Said Miss Milly, she wrote the details down and thanked the caller and turned to Detective Dudley and said ‘we have a case!’

‘What is it Miss Milly?’ asked Detective Dudley

‘Well’ said Miss Milly ‘it’s a first for us Detective Dudley. A cat has been kidnapped’

Detective Dudley turned to Detective Chica and said ‘well Chica this is good timing you can join us on this one, with your inside knowledge of the cat world’

They got the details and set off to the address.

Soon after Junior Detective Lula entered the office ‘hello Miss Milly, where is Detective Dudley? Not with that darn cat I hope… I mean a cat detective it’s just not right is it, what can cats do better than us dogs?’

Miss Milly looked up from her magazine and said ‘climb trees, they have nine life’s’, when they fall they land on their feet, unlike you they like cleaning themselves, oh and they bury their own poo!’

‘Urghhhhhhhhhh’ said J.D Lula 

Miss Milly replied ‘they have a case and have both gone to solve it, a cat has been kidnapped’

‘Where have they gone? I will join them, there may be alien abduction involved’ said J.D.Lula

Miss Milly answered ‘I very much doubt aliens would leave a ransom note! And anyway Detective Dudley told me to ask you to sort out the old case files ’

J.D Lula replied somewhat tartly ‘sort out the files! That’s your job, you’re the secretary where as I am a Detective’

Miss Milly looking over her glasses said ‘yes a very Junior Detective, so get on with it!’ 

Meanwhile, Detectives Dudley and Chica arrived at the address given to them by Miss Milly; they rang the doorbell and were invited in.

‘So can we see the kidnap letter please’ asked Detective Dudley.

He was handed the letter by the cat’s owner Lady Francesca of Bridgway

He shared this with Chica and read it out loud.

‘If you wants to see your cat again then I wants sum money  put £1000 in a bag and get ready for my phone call I will tells you where to drop the dosh off, no police or you will never see the cat again’

‘Any thoughts?’ asked Detective Dudley keen to get Detective Chica involved in the case

Chica replied ‘I would say that by the standard of the spelling this is a person or persons of low intellect perhaps even lower than J.D. Lula………….only joking!’

Detective Dudley smiling said ‘yes I agree, except the Lula bit of course…… although she has her moments!’ Dudley continued ‘Lady Francesca tell us exactly what happened’

Lady Francesca answered ‘I got up this morning expecting to be greeted by my darling Porsche but nothing; I found the ransom letter in the kitchen pushed through the back door’.

‘Have you a picture of Porsche please?’ asked Chica

Lady Francesca went to a table and brought back a picture of Porsche and gave it to Chica.

‘My, what a beauty she is this Porsche!!! oh laa laa!!! nearly as sexy as me’ retorted Chica.

‘I am just scared they may come back for any of my other pets’ said Lady Francesca

Detective Dudley asked ‘you have other pets?’

Lady Francesca replied ‘yes there is, Tommy, Ada, Sheldon and Amy the Turtles and Angelina and Bill my dogs’

A somewhat surprised Dudley said ‘you have dogs, did they not hear anything, where are they?’

Lady Francesca called for Angelina and Bill, both sheepishly joined them.

‘Did either of you not hear anything while Porsche was been taken? Both dogs shook their heads, Dudley went on ‘what kind of guard dogs are you, to let someone kidnap Porsche and leave a ransom note?’

Angelina replied ‘I am not a guard dog, he is the guard dog’ she pointed at Bill.

Bill pointing back said ‘I am not the guard dog you are!’

Angelina ‘Am not’

Bill ‘Are’

Angelina ‘Not’

Detective Dudley ‘will you both shut up! So neither of you heard anything?’

Both dogs shook their heads again and left the room

Angelina ‘not’

Bill ‘am’

‘Sorry about that’ said Lady Francesca who went on ‘what shall we do next?’

Detective Dudley said ‘we will send over Junior Detective Lula so when you get the ransom call she can be with you and get the details to let us know, we will go back to the office and await the call’

Back in the office Detective Dudley spoke to J.D.Lula ‘ Ah that is very good of you to sort those old files out, nice to see you helping Miss Milly out, good team work’ Lula looked over to Miss Milly and gave her a cross look, she knew she had been conned. Detective Dudley informed Lula of the situation and sent her off to stay with Lady Francesca till the kidnappers rang.

Later back at the office the phone rang, it was Junior Detective Lula she spoke on the speaker phone ‘the kidnappers have rang, they want us to take the money in a plain bag and meet them in the main park, there is a seat next to the fountain they will come there and do the exchange at 9pm tonight, they told me no police or they will not let Porsche go, what do you want me to do Detective Dudley?’

‘do as they say, we will be there covering you, once you have Porsche take her straight back to Lady Francesca and leave the kidnappers to us’ replied Detective Dudley who turned to Miss Milly ‘speak to Inspector Bruce and WPC Janet tell them what has happened and that we will meet them at the park we will get there about 8pm and find a good hiding spot’

At the park Detective Dudley and Chica met Inspector Bruce Corner of the Yard and his assistant WPC Janet. ‘there are two entrances to the park’ said Inspector Bruce ‘me and WPC Janet will cover the south entrance and you and Chica can do the north, we all have walkie talkies so keep in touch as soon as you see anything let us know, make sure they do not see you and we will move in as soon as the exchange takes place’

Inspector Bruce and WPC Janet moved off to the south entrance, Dudley turned to Chica and said ‘right let’s find a hiding place’ Chica who had a backpack with her said ‘I will climb up this tree here, I will get a good view from there’

‘Ok’ said Dudley ‘I will go behind that tree near where Lula is sitting, if you see anything let me know? At that, Chica disappeared up the tree.

To be continued….

Detective Dudley entered the office and turned to Miss Milly ‘where is J.D Lula?’

Miss Milly replied ‘oh she has gone to the library to return her books, why do you ask?’

Detective Dudley showed Miss Milly the headline of the local newspaper ‘I thought she may be interested in this’ at this Detective Dudley gave the newspaper to Miss Milly who looked at the headline ‘Strange lights over the moors! Possible U.F.O sighting’

Miss Milly said ‘oh I will see she gets it’ at this she took the paper and hid it in her desk draw, she thought to herself ‘gosh if she sees this she will go crazy, even more crazy than she is normally especially as she fell asleep and missed the whole thing not that I believe in these things I was only joking when I mentioned them to her’

Detective Dudley said to Miss Milly ‘I am off to see Chika, contact me if anything comes up’ with this he left the office.

Several minutes later J.D. Lula arrived back from the library ‘hello Miss Milly where is Detective Dudley?’

‘Oh he is meeting Chica’ she replied

Lula placing her new books on her desk stated ‘I think Detective Dudley is turning into a cat… he spends a lot of time with that Chico’

Miss Milly corrected J.D Lula ‘its Chica not Chico’

J.D Lula  answered ‘Chica, Chico it is all the same to me at the end of the day she is a Cat! Dogs do not work with cats, dogs chase cats! Cats climb up trees and we bark at them, that is how it works!’

Miss Milly replied ‘J.D Lula you are so old fashioned… There is no reason why dogs and cats cannot get on and your attitude needs to change. Anyway, what did you get from the library?’

Lula read out the titles of her three library books ‘The complete Dummies guide to U.F.O’s’

Miss Milly giggling said ‘that’s a very good title for you!’

J.D. Lula ignoring Miss Milly went on ‘U.F.O Spotting for Beginners’ and the last one is ‘Stories of Alien Abduction’  

Miss Milly said ‘Lula you are really into this U.F.O thing aren’t you?’

Lula replied ‘oh yes I would love to see a U.F.O and to have a chance of meeting aliens, imagine how exciting that would be! I would be world famous, I would have my own TV show, and I can see it now ‘Close Encounters with J.D Lula’

At this Miss Milly quietly opened her draw, took out the newspaper and threw it in the rubbish bin. She turned to Lula and said ‘oh well… we all need to dream’

It was a quiet day in the office; Miss Milly was sat at her desk reading her Glamorous Pooches magazine admiring the latest doggy fashion trends.

J.D Lula entered the office she looked really tired and let out a big yawn; Miss Milly looked over the top of her magazine and said ‘late night was it?’           

Lula through a yawn replied ‘yes I was up on top of the moor all night’

Miss Milly asked ‘oh I didn’t know we had a case… were you looking for a missing canine?’

‘Nope’ replied J.D. Lula who went on ‘I was looking for alien activity’

‘Oh!’ said Miss Milly ‘so I assume from your lateness that at some stage there was strange lights in the sky followed by a U.F.O. landing and aliens approaching you and they drew you into their spaceship with a strange ray gun and once there they performed experiments on you and due to the lack of any signs of intelligence they let you go’

J.D. Lula sheepishly replied ‘no I sat for three hours nothing happened and then I fell asleep’

‘Ah but they may have deleted your memory banks so you cannot remember what happened’ chuckled Miss Milly.

J.D. Lula her ears pricked up barked ‘you could be right Miss Milly, it may have been my first encounter of the third kind……………….oh my dog! where is my book on third encounters???’ at this she ran to her bookcase. Miss Milly shook her head and muttered ‘now what hair style will be in fashion this year’ she continued reading her magazine and looked over to J.D. Lula who was frantically going through all her U.F.O. books.

Detective Dudley entered the office accompanied by a cat, J.D Lula nearly fell off her seat and was ready to chase.

Detective Dudley barked ‘sit down Lula! This is our new friend and accomplice’

J.D. Lula replied ‘but it’s a’…

Detective Dudley lifted his paw to shut J.D.Lula up and carried on ‘this is Chica she is a cat detective and will be assisting us in any cases that feature felines’

Miss Milly placed down her Perfect Pouches magazine ‘hello Chica! Welcome! I am Miss Milly. Would you like a glass of milk?’

Chica replied ‘no thanks Miss Milly, I am ok’

J.D Lula turned to Miss Milly and sarcastically said ‘would you like a glass of milk?! You never offer me any milk… and anyway it’s a cat! we chase cats! It’s what dogs do, we don’t work with cats, we chase them!’

Detective Dudley said to J.D Lula ‘you’re so old fashioned for a young dog Lula, this is the new age and we can all work together, canines and felines. You have to change with the times. Anyway, Chica tell us all about yourself’

Chica cleared her throat and said ‘I am Chica Melena Juliana Fernanda Abdul de Bragança Pires Pelegrim e Silva. I am the greatest Cat detective in my native Brazil’

J.D Lula under her breath said ‘probably the only one! It takes five minutes to say her name ’

Chica went on ‘I am here on an exchange program with a British Cat Detective called Detective Morse, we will be studying each other´s countries methods of detection, and my main area is cat burglary’

J.D Lula said ‘so in Brazil people burgle cats! Can’t see anything wrong with that… but why not just chase them?’

Detective Dudley replied ‘no! it means the cats are committing the burglary…’

Chica went on ‘yes that is right, so it takes a cat to think like a cat. I am trained to get inside the criminals minds and work out how they committed the crimes and look for clues to see who did it’

Detective Dudley said ‘so there it is, any cases involving cats we will contact Detective Chica’

J.D Lula crept up to Chica and whispered in her ear ‘I have got my eye on you… and will make sure you keep away from my bones’

At this, Detective Dudley and Chica left the office.

J.D Lula turned to Miss Milly and cried ‘Cats?!?!?! They are our arch enemies! I can´t believe… Next we will have aardvark* detectives working with us!’

Miss Milly replied ‘oh do shut up Lula! She was a very nice cat and a respected detective so get over it’   

* Aardvark are medium-sized, burrowing, nocturnal mammal native to Africa. It is the only living species of the prehistoric order Tubulidentata, although other prehistoric species and genera of Tubulidentata are known. Unlike other insectivores, it has a long pig-like snout, which is used to sniff out food.